Doing What Moms Do

When people see that I am pregnant again, they all pretty much say the same thing.  Of course you got pregnant after you adopted, see it happens all the time.  Tell that to the other 6 couples who it hasn't happened to in our adoption class.  Someone said it again tonight when we went to church, and then proceeded to tell me that now I was going to have to find a way to stop it.  It doesn't hurt my feelings, and I have to say I am used to it.  Someone says it to me at least once a day ,and did the whole time I was pregnant with Callie.  I am sure if it was the other way around, I would probably think or even say the same things.  And maybe, just maybe we didn't wait long enough to see if we could have our "own" kids.  I am forever grateful that I will never know the answer to that question.  I know that I would never want it to be any other way.  I am glad that I will never take God out of Christian's birth story.  I am so thankful that I waited all those years to have the most adorable blue eyed 3 year old curl up next to me, rub my hair and say, I love you Mommy.  I know with every bone in my body he was worth the wait and wasn't plan B.  He was God's plan A all along. 

Why am I thinking about this lately?  Well, I am 21 weeks pregnant.  That is the same amount of weeks Jessika was when we met her and Zach almost 4 years ago.  I remember her walking in to the room at the pregnancy crisis center and thinking...oh my God...she is just a baby.  She is physically tiny and had braces.  She barely weighed 100lbs.  Wow, they are just babies having a baby.  Unless you have ever done something like this, it is the strangest, most awkward, most amazing, most frightening, most humbling thing Gregg and I have ever done.  We fell in love with them that day.  

My pregnancy with Callie was a little bit of a blur, and we were still in a fog from having a newborn.  I think it has taken me this long and this pregnancy to understand the magnitude of what a gift Jessika and Zach gave us.  She felt him move in her tummy just like I feel our baby moving, sometimes they tiniest flutter, other times a pain that takes your breathe away.  They had hope and dreams from him just like we do for our 3rd baby.  She saw him sucking his thumb and flipping around on the ultrasound just like I am going to do on Weds.  She knew in her heart that he was a boy, and kept dreaming about someone named Jenny.  Once she found out my name, she said it all made sense.  She was determined to give her child a good life with all the possibilities, just like we will for our child.  She named him Ryan, just like we are going to name our child after finding the gender this week.  All of these things make us the same.  Two expecting moms.  What makes us different is her decision to do what she felt was best despite our selfish nature.  She birthed a beautiful healthy baby boy whose reflection was exactly like his Daddy, and then handed him to Gregg knowing that he wasn't going to be "hers".  Yes, always her first born.  Yes, always connected to her.  Yes, a place in her heart that will never be filled.  But, not "hers".  This is where she trumps me.  She did what I could have never done.  She was brave and determined and heartbroken and steady and selfless and he should be so proud of her.

As I sit here at 21 weeks thinking about her at 21 weeks, I am just reminded that even though people think Christian made me a Mommy, it was really her, doing what Moms do...the best for their baby.