All We Need is Love

Love, they say it is what makes the world go round and that it is all we need.  But, try to define it, bottle it, or buy it.  Love is a feeling and a choice and is specific to each person.  I just read the Love Languages book for kids.  I am convinced this book is the only parenting book Gregg and I will ever need.  I am sure it will save thousands of dollars in therapy trying to explain how your kids never felt loved even though you loved them with all your heart.  After helping in our youth group for years, the common thread I saw is that very normal parents who absolutely love their children had children who didn't always feel loved.  Then they made poor choices searching for that love.  But, if you asked the parents, they would list several ways that they loved their children(bought them things, spend time with them, hugged them, etc).  Where is the disconnect?  How can you be in a loving family and grow up and not feel loved.

Love Languages, each of us have a primary love language.  Gifts, acts of service, words of encouragement, touch, or quality time.  For instance, my love languages are quality time and gifts.  I feel the most loved by my husband, my kids, my family and friends when I get to spend time with them.  It doesn't matter if it is on the phone, driving down the road, over lunch, vacation, holidays whatever.  I get my love tank filled up when I spend time with the people I am close with.  I feel very disconnected when I don't get to do those things and start to question if I am feeling loved.  Also, gifts being one of primary love languages is no surprise.  It is how I show love, I really enjoy getting the perfect present, keeps all the cards people give me, and could probably tell you every gift anyone has ever given me.  It is just how I am wired.  Our love languages are also where we can be the most hurt.  If I spend a lot of time on a gift and it isn't recieved as such, it would hurt my feelings more than if Gregg didn't do something around the house.  Also, if I don't get to spend time with you, it will hurt me worse than someone whose love language isn't quality time.  Gregg is acts of service and words of encouragment.  It is why he will get up early in the morning and do the dishes or mow the lawn.  He doesn't mind running to the store to pick something up or giving the kids a bath.  He is always the first person to tell you that you can do something or leave notes around the house.  It is his way to show our family that he loves us.  The problem is when you are not aware of the other person's love language.  If I just kept buying Gregg gifts or spent time with him, but never told him how proud of him I was, he would still not feel loved.  And of course, if Gregg keeps doing stuff around the house, but never stops to go on a date with me, I might never feel like he loves me even though he thinks he is showing me love by all of his acts of service.  I have to be careful since words is his love language and my words can hurt him more than someone who has a different primary love language.  Love languages spill over into friendships and the work place.  If you have a conflict with someone, more than likely, someone feels that the person isn't speaking their love language.  At my old job, we all knew each other's.  I think it can explain the main reason why people have conflict in marriages, friendships, and the workplace. 

It is the same for kids...we are all born with a primary love language.  It is too early to tell 100% about our kids, but my guess for Christian is that his is touch and words of encouragement.  He loves anything soft, blankets, jackets, stuff animals, robes, you name it.  He rubs this little girl at preschool's shirt when she wears it.   He will hold your hand, rub your face, and sit in your lap reading books for a long time.  Because my love language isn't touch, I have to make an effort to love him this way.  After his nap, he wants to be held and lets me play with his hair.  I can see his love tank filling up.  He actually gets upset if Callie wakes up early and interupts his time.  Eventhough I have stuff to do around the house, I stop and make sure I do this with him at least once a day.  It is how he feels love.  He also loves to be praised, like most kids, but he really lights up when you clap for him or tell him that "he did it".  I have learned that he also reponses so much better to a task with encouragment.  I almost moved the rocking chair in Callie's room and I am so glad I didn't.  C really still likes to rock in it and is just such a little sweetie when it is just us.  Callie doesn't have the same need to cuddle like he does.  She takes after her mama for sure, since everyone says I am not a hugger. 

Callie is still really too young to see a definate language, but my first thought is quality time.  She really likes to be in the same room with you and like to do what you are doing.  She really seems to enjoy or one on one time when C is at school when I can spend time playing babies with just her.  I am pretty sure, hers is not touch.  She has barely ever fallen asleep on us and hardly ever will come and sit in your lap.  She doesn't crave the same kind of touch that C does.  So, I focus less on touch with her and more quality time and vice versa with C.  I can't wait to see what it really ends up being and reading this post years from now to see if my first thoughts were right.

If you want to know what your kid's love language is...just ask them.  How do you know Mommy and Daddy love you?  They might say, because they play games with me(quality time), buy me things(gifts), help me with my homework or make me dinner(acts of service), tell me that they love me(words of encouragement), or buy all the hugs and kisses I get(touch).

I am so thankful I ran accross this book and will try to love my kids how they should be loved based on their love languages, not mine.