My Baby you Will Always Be

Christian's birthday is bittersweet. We get to celebrate the best gift given to us and throw a party. But, I would be lying if I didn't say there is the thought in the back of my head several days leading up to his birthday about how Jess and Zach are feeling. Yes, he is ours 100%, but he is theirs 100% too. Every birthday or every look he gives me that is exactly like Zach confirms that he will always have two families. The thoughts quickly go back to the hospital and the day we took him home. Words will never describe the feeling of taking(felt like stealing) someone else's baby from them. Nothing prepares you to watch their hearts break so your dreams can be fulfilled. I remember Gregg with tears streaming down his face, telling me...this was too hard, just give him back as we watched them drive away with empty arms. They love him, they wanted him, they wished things were different and they had options. Jess did something I would have never been able to do, she handed her sweet newborn baby to us believing it was the best for him. At that moment, she was the most courageous person I had ever known. I think it has to be the closest thing to Jesus dying on the cross that I will probably get to be a part of. He suffered so I could have life. So, I choose to believe that both Jess and I get to sing songs about how he will always be "our" baby.

We have a great(I mean, couldn't ask for a better) relationship with them. For Christian, that makes me so happy. It has been a work in progress, but they have never not once not met their commitment to him. The love on him, ask about him, get excited when we send pictures and now things he has made at school. Not one time, in the last 2 years have they ever commented or made us feel like we are not his "real" parents. They don't question our parenting decisions and it feels like visiting extended family when we see them. They are very thoughtful and always ask about how all of us are doing, and even remembered Callie's birthday and called to tell her. So, for Christian's birthday, we went to Jess's house and had a party. Corey her little brother gave C his old match box cars and it was so tender as if he knew he was his little nephew. Her mom, Tina gets out the baby book to compare notes on milestones and Lori, Zach's mom just stares at how much C is a mini-Zach. I know her heart breaks a little each time she sees him, wanting it to be different, knowing this is best. But, she doesn't reveal her feelings to us, she is as gracious as she can be watching her son's son toddle around the room calling someone else Daddy.

No matter what happens with our relationship or Christian's relationship with them over the years. I want him to know that they love him and he was wanted. I want him to know that they made the best decision at the time with the resources they had trying to put his interests before theirs. Neither one of them are materialistic, so the decision wasn't based on what we could provide from him compared to them. Their number one thing they felt they couldn't provide was stability. Zach was at every dr appointment, she laughed at every kick, they held him, fed him, they helped pick out his name(Ryan is what they would have named him), and have always kept the communication lines open. When he was born, Zach gave us a jean jacket that was his when he was little and Jess gave us all of her kid books. It is neat to see her handwriting in the books and we can't wait to send them a picture of him in the jacket once he fits into it.

I think for now, Christian is just glad that he gets to have lots of birthday parties.