I am Not Giving Up...Just Giving In

I love my life.  I really do...my absolutely crazy, exhausting, nothing better in the world life.  I really can't complain, eventhough I sometimes do(espcially if I am covered in poop or puke), I have no reason to complain.  I have everything I could ever want or dream of...actually everything I have ever dreamed of in my DINKS's mind years ago.  I have a totally supportive, not to mention cute, husband that understands my need for sleep and takes his share and then some of the parenting brunt.  I have a son that melts you with his grin and makes my heart skip a beat when he yells I love you down the stairs for no reason.  I have the daughter I always wanted and a family that is the true story of unconditional love.  So, why is it that I still feel like something...or really someone...is missing.  This week marks a year of us trying for number 3.  A year is nothing, right?  I did seven years before, so a year should be a drop in the bucket.  So, I thought.  Going to the doctor and hearing, you should be pregnant by now, it is so much easier to get pregnant right after you had a baby, we don't understand since there isn't anything medically keeping you from having a baby.  It is amazing that I can't for the life of me be on time to anything, but my biological clock ticks away with perfection.  Every 28 days, I am reminded that I am not in control.  God is, he knows Gregg and I's desire to have another baby, and he knows if that will or won't happen.  He also knows what is best for me.  We gave C's crib away this weekend to this adorable family that is dreaming about their first grandson.  This was C's crib before we knew we were "chosen", it had both genders stuff in it.  I am pretty sure God chuckled to himself as I returned the girl bedding to have to turn around and go buy girl bedding a couple months later.  Seems like so long ago, I had an empty crib at my house...The old familar feelings are starting to creep up again, and I just don't think I have it in me to entertain them.

So, I am waving the white flag, surrendering to what God has in store.  But, I am NOT giving up on my dreams, just giving IN to the dreams I am already living.