Inquiring Minds Want to Know

I am a pretty open person. I would tell you an honest answer to almost anything. People have asked us lots of questions over the years. Why don't you have kids, do you even want them, why can't you have them, is something wrong with you, what treatments have you done, how much money have you spent, do you think this is God's way of telling you that you just shouldn't have kids, isn't this God's will, are you going to adopt, from where, why don't his parents want him, can they take him back, did you use fertility treatments to get pregnant with Callie, are they twins, don't you know how this works, if you could get pregnant then why did you adopt, you name it, we have and continue to be asked all kinds of questions regarding our methods or lack of methods of having children. So, it is always kinda funny to me when people ask me if we are done having kids. I chuckle to myself because I think...I didn't know I was going to have the two we have, so I am not sure I really get that much say in the matter. I think when you have a boy and a girl, people just assume that you should be done.  I always wanted 3 kids. 2 boys and a girl. But, I quickly lowered my expectations when we started having trouble getting pregnant. After 7 years of trying, I would have just been happy with one. When we made the transition from wanting to be pregnant to choosing adoption(or having adoption chose us), I asked God to take my desire to be pregnant away. I sincerely prayed for him to release me from needing to have my own child and open my eyes to accepting someone elses. I can remember the weight being lifted off of me right at that moment. The adoption door opened for us and Christian walked right into our lives. We knew that we would choose adoption again when Christian was 1(since our agency made couples wait a year in between adoptions). We also knew that process would take much longer for a sibling, but really wanted to have 2 kids. 2 kids is really all domestic infant adoption families really get. You wait years for a sibling and asking for 3 is really not an option. So, we had settled it in our minds that we would have two children. We were fine with that and are still fine with that. Then, sweet pea comes into the picture(or into my womb, that apparently wasn't so barren after all). Dr. Doris, I hope you wrote that Drs note in pencil confirming I couldn't have kids. I remembering crying when I saw the test. I wasn't happy to be pregnant...I had an 8 week old baby that I was just getting to know and now this. God, I told you I was fine with adoption. I bled for 15 weeks, had 5 ultrasounds in the first 3 months, and constantly asked God why now...why I am pregnant now and why am I going to miscarry. What was the point? I didn't enjoy being pregnant and I think that we because I wasn't really sure I believed God that my baby was really going to be fine. It felt like something that was happening to me. After it finally settled that I was in fact pregnant, God whispered to me. Didn't you trust me with Christian and he wasn't even yours? Didn't you bring home a baby and love it for 10 days that at any moment could have been taken back? Didn't you trust me just over 2 months before? Why are you doubting me now when it is your child that I am giving you? Isn't this what you always wanted? He reminded me that I had wanted to be pregnant, that I did want a little girl of my own, that he didn't forget our prayers for all of those years. He reminded me that he was faithful even when I wasn't. I had one of those births that no one wants and if they would have let me tie my tubes on the operating table, I would have 100%. Gregg, and both of our Moms would have let me too. When you hear your room number being called over the loud speaker spelling out some code and everyone runs into the room screaming...you think twice about doing this again. You often hear about the pain of child birth and how it eases out of your memory as time goes by, but hmmmm...no, I have not forgotten.

So, I write this post for C and C in case they ever want to know why we did or didn't try to have more kids. We would love to have a big family. Everyone says the transition from 2 to 3 is so much easier than 1 to 2. We have several families that have 3+ children and still appear to be sane. I thought I would never get to the point of thinking(never mind actually considering trying) about number 3. I am sure many of you remember how adamant I was about never doing this again. But, then you remember that the pregnancy part is temporary, the birth is temporary, the first three month are just that...only three months. And as much as parenting stretches me, it is so worth it.  I didn't know I could love anything as much as I love them.  As each day goes by, my life it getting tons easier. No bottles, hopefully this year, no more diapers, no more cribs. Both of my kids will be in pre-school next fall. Ahh...I can see light at the end of the tunnel. But, then there is something in my heart that says...what about number 3? Number 3? Dear God, what am I thinking?  I know that people will think that we are crazy, don't we already have our hands full, three is just too much, how will we do it?  And I have those same thoughts, but I know we can do it.  I am thinking I will never regret having the third child, I just know I will regret never trying for one.  Lots of families have the last child as the "oops" baby, but ours will be the only one that was planned.  So, hopefully one day number 3 will be reading this post in a book on a shelf when he or she was older thanking us for not closing the door.  And if not, we are complete just being the Stahl Party of 4.